Now that I’m in my thirties, I can attest that passing into the middle-age years bears one incredible gift: a new way to avoid shit that annoys me.

With age comes perks. The year on a birth certificate allows access past the velvet ropes of some of life’s guilty pleasures. You drive a car at 16 or 17. At 18, you drive that car to the nearest strip club. The milestone of 21 allows you to legally drink and gamble. (Note the word legally.) A friend commented at my 21st-birthday shindig that there’s not much to celebrate about aging after blowing out the flames on the giant “2” and “1” candles. He was correct. Every birthday since then has been an absolute fucking bore. Thirty was no big deal. I could give a shit about the impending 4-0, literally and figuratively, depending on how gentle the doctor is during my recommended prostate exam.

My progression in years, however, has led to a new found freedom from obligatory bullshit, a regression in the behavior society deems appropriate and necessary for a man. While most guys become more docile and compliant each year (the “suck it up” mentality), I’ve decided to free myself of all those obligations, occasions, responsibilities, and situations that annoy the shit out of me. This is me flashing my age credentials. I was born in 1977. Yes, it was a very good year. Now to reap some benefits.

The beer in my fridge is just as cold as the beer at the bar, and I’m too old to let uninterested women milk me for drinks. Let the kid down the street sweat through his boxers while cutting the grass. I’ll hand him a crisp Ulysses S. for his troubles. A man my age doesn’t attend all-day concerts, and he certainly doesn’t piss and drink on the same spot of land. Plus, I can finally tell my mother no. “I’m 33 years old, Mom! I don’t have to attend every family function. I don’t care how disappointed Uncle Cecil will be if I’m a no-show at his salute-to-spring party. Didn’t Uncle Cecil miss my high school graduation? What goes around comes around.”

I’m not alone. This could almost be considered acceptable behavior in men of a certain age. Clinical psychologist Dr. Jacob Small explains,

“What feels right can, over time, also feel constraining and obligatory, leading to what psychologists call ‘reactance,’ or an obstinate rejection of those responsibilities.”

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