Not everyone likes communicating in I-statements. Opponents may find the exercise “touchy-feely” or passive. “A lot of people who have difficulty with their emotions have a very hard time [using ‘I’ statements],” says Dr. Ducharme. “‘I’ opens you up to criticism, so very often we use the word ‘you’ as a way to avoid focusing on ourselves.” Certainly, though, there are some situations where confronting a conflict with the words “I feel” crosses the line between conciliatory and weak, or even unprofessional. If someone doesn’t feel some responsibility for your emotional well-being, the I-statement is likely to fall flat. Telling a stranger who butts in front of you in line, “I feel angry that you cut in front of me” is not likely to get the desired response. To be effective, I-statements must be made with the confidence that both parties’ opinions are valid.

Things to Remember When Using I-Statements

Don’t just precede a criticism with “I feel/think that you ...” (There’s that “you” again.)

Don’t assume you can know another person’s thoughts and feelings. This is called projecting. “I feel that you don’t love me” is different from “I feel unloved.” Remember, the focus is on what you feel.

Do assume responsibility for your own thoughts and feelings. Use I-statements to explain what you experience, not to transfer responsibility for your well-being onto someone else.

Do ask the other person for his or her thoughts. Once you’ve stated how you feel, Dr. Ducharme advises, give the other person a chance to respond by asking how he or she views the situation. In this way, the “you” is constructive: How do you feel when your room is messy? What do you think we can do to get this project back on track?

Do be prepared that some people will not be comfortable with I-statements.

In the end, we can only control our own feelings and actions. I-statements are about acknowledging this fact and living it, even in the midst of conflict. Next time you’re in one of those intractable arguments, with a partner, a child, or a colleague, consider taking the I-road.

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