Despairingly, he looked at her, shook his head, and asked, “Whatever happened to us? We don’t laugh any more; we used to always be laughing!”

With contemptuous expression and voice, she retorted, “Yes, but not at the same time.”

This one line from a classic moment of the British sitcom Fawlty Towers illuminated Basil and Sybil Fawlty’s entire relationship.

Is a happy, long-lasting marriage really still possible? Well, I suppose we’ll find out in fifty years. Of course, if you’re being abused and bullied, your spouse has defaulted on ‘the deal’ (remember ‘to love and to cherish’?); no one should stay in an abusive marriage. But our ‘throw away society’ sometimes causes perfectly good relationships to be too quickly discarded because they don’t seem ideal.

How ironic that the recent obsession with ‘personal fulfilment’ – the importance of oneself at the expense of others – has resulted in more people feeling unfulfilled, sad, and lonely. Marriages crash and burn, spouses are upgraded to newer, ‘better’ ones. Have commitment, duty, and responsibility been abandoned at the expense of happiness?

Happy marriages for greater health

 To some, marriage may seem old-fashioned, but research repeatedly shows that people who stay married to one partner are the happiest (1) and that married people are statistically happier and longer-lived (2) than their unmarried counterparts.

Fortunately, we now know why some marriages work and some don’t, what happy marriages should avoid, and what actions need to be encouraged for healthier and happier marriages.

Certainly no marriage is perfect, but many are happy. There are difficulties in happy marriages, but there is also an enduring sense of ‘us’, not just ‘you and me’. If both of you heed these strategies, who knows – maybe in fifty years you’ll be telling me about all the health, psychological benefits, and happiness you enjoyed.

Secret 1) Keep your relationship expectations realistic

 As wonderful as it is to be romantic and see the best in your partner, you need to be able to except some imperfections over the (hopefully many) years with your spouse. In the initial throes of passion, the object of our romantic focus may seem perfection personified, but then we discover their ‘feet of clay’. For the marriage to last after this point, we need to see beyond personal failings and foibles – after all, no one is perfect. Now and again, all marriages need work; expecting it all to be perfect and effortless creates disappointment (as unrealistic expectations always do).

Idealize your partner, by all means – whilst remembering they are human.

Secret 2) Send these relationship-ruining riders on their way

 Some happily married couples argue passionately. Other relationships experience fewer arguments, but suffer severe damage when they do happen. What’s different?

It’s how – not whether – you argue that determines your marriage’s likelihood for long-term survival. After spending almost two decades studying couples’ interactions, American psychologist John Gottman can now tell with up to 95% accuracy which couples are heading towards relationship breakdown and which are likely to stay together, simply by listening to the first five minutes of a contentious discussion.

Gottman highlights four relationship-rotting factors that he rather dramatically calls the ‘Four Riders of the Apocalypse’. They are:

1. Contempt: Displayed by face pulling, cursing at and insulting your partner, and basically acting as if you are revolted. Gottman and his researchers in Seattle (3) found that the relationship’s days were very likely to be numbered if contempt was a regular feature of the initial phase of a disagreement. Women who showed contempt whilst their husband talked were six times more likely to be divorced two years later.

 2. Defensiveness: “Why are you looking at me like that? Don’t pick on me! What’s your problem?!”

“…I only offered you a cup of tea!”

Being overly defensive is another major predictor of future relationship breakdown. If one partner begins yelling as soon as the other broaches a subject and behaves as though they’re being threatened or attacked, and this is a continuing and repeated feature of the couple’s interactions, then the relationship is in crisis. Being defensive prevents communication and severs intimacy.

3. Don’t criticize, do compliment: Critical partners risk irreparable damage to their relationship. This doesn’t mean you should never complain if your spouse upsets you, but a simple complaint is much less damaging that criticism.

Criticism attacks the whole person, their core identity (even if that wasn’t your intent); a complaint is instead directed at one-off behaviours. For example: “You are such a lazy £”*tard!” implies they are always like that and it’s a fundamental part of their identity. Whereas “I thought you were being a bit lazy today! That’s not like you!” is time-limited and more specific.

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