"Love ya," said my wife to me as I went out the door. I started thinking about how many times she has spoken that phrase to me in the 41 years we have been married. It had almost become a ritualistic statement that was really saying, "see ya later!" As we have grown in our marriage we have discovered that I (and most husbands that I've counseled) don't necessarily get excited when my wife expresses that she loves me. After all... isn't that what women do? It is! They are natural lovers, nurturers, and caretakers to the max. Men? Not so much.

I have discovered that men want and need respect, admiration, and uplifting words. When my wife looks at me and says, "I am so proud of you for the way you handled that situation," it actually does something inside me. I come alive inside and it feels good. As I began to note the difference between hearing, "I love you," and "I'm proud of you," I discovered that respect is what I needed most to help me feel closer to my wife.

To put this theory to the test, I separated 20 husbands and wives during a class and asked them both the same question: "What is your spouse's greatest need?" I noticed that the women were chuckling and laughing and their discussion was over fairly soon. The men, on the other hand, were more deliberate in their discussion and it took them longer to come up with an answer.

"So men," I said, "what is your wife's greatest need in marriage?" The answer was love, to which the wives readily agreed. "And ladies, what is your husband's greatest need in marriage?" With some giddiness in their voices they shouted out, "Sex!"

Several years ago I would have agreed with them. To the man, they all agreed that respect and admiration is their greatest need, followed by sex as a close second! The wives were shocked. Really shocked. They wanted to know what respect looks like and what it was. The men couldn't come up with an idea of what respect is, but they could come up with what respect isn't. Respect isn't telling me what to do; it isn't treating me like I'm your child; it isn't talking about our relationship in negative ways with your friends and family.

As I closed the session with this group of 20 couples, I suggested that they talk further and make a "respect" list so that the wife would know how she can practically how respect to her husband. Ladies, do you want to really make an impact with your husband? Begin telling him why you are proud of him and mention what you admire about him in his life. That's what love is to a husband... respect.