Nobody likes people who make hollow promises, especially when their bodies are anything but hollow. Do yourself a favor, the next time you’re eating a pizza and your friend complains about how out of shape they are, grab the pizza and run. You’ll lose both an unwanted friend and a couple of pounds. Win / Win!

 Granted there are definitely some movies and shows that everyone NEEDS to see, we understand that, but ridiculing someone for not having seen them is not the way to go about it. First of all, it makes you look like a pretentious jerk with nothing better to do than voraciously consume media, and secondly, it creates an impossible benchmark of quality in their mind that this movie or show will undoubtedly have a very hard time living up to; So in summary: Yes, The Shawshank Redemption is a awesome, but is it worth ruining a friendship over? No. Never.

 This phrase has been so violently abused of late that we should all collectively agree to put it out of its misery. It was annoying enough when people said this before stating unpopular or patently wrong statements. But now people say it before sharing any opinion, regardless of how trite and commonplace it is. Oh, you’re not gonna lie, you think “moist” is a gross word? Yeah. So does everyone. Say something else now.

 This might have been a cool thing to do when writing letters was a common practice, but in a time where Albert Einstein quotes can be copy-pasted directly from Wikipedia and into your email, it just comes off as unnecessary icing on a cake made of arrogance. It’s also worth mentioning that it doesn’t really matter who or what you’re quoting in your signature, because nothing takes the power out of an inspirational quote faster than a company wide email about toilet paper usage.

 You know that global warming does not mean that the weather is always warmer, right? Because the sheer number of summertime “See? Global warming” exclamations, and wintertime “Global warming? Yeah right” retorts would seem to prove otherwise. Unless you’re just saying stuff like that in a desperate attempt to make weather-related smalltalk with strangers in the elevator. That’s even worse.

 We get it! You two are into each other! That is confirmed! It’d be halfway understandable if this were like some spontaneous romance thing, or even a heartfelt goodbye, but you two have been tonguebragging for like five whole minutes now. Nobody is impressed.

 Saying this phrase is—aside from being overplayed and always untrue—illogically gross. What moron decided that the best way to show disgust was to say something even more worthy of disgust? Ok, maybe the first time someone said this it was a little funny, but that ship has sailed. Let it go.

 There are design flaws, and then there are design_ failures_. If you make a door that people have to touch with their hands after using the restroom, then you have already put way to much faith in humanity and not nearly enough in your interior design strategy. It only takes one patient zero who forgot to wash their hands to grope up on that doorknob for the whole practice of hand washing to be rendered completely and utterly useless.

 This is what the rock-bottom of the internet looks like. The minute you find yourself so concerned with Twitter that you’re considering asking people to follow you is the minute you shouldn’t be allowed to use a computer at all. And really, why would anyone want to follow a person whose twitter feed is just a log of you pathetically begging celebrities for favors?

 If Dippin Dots is, in fact, the ice cream of the future, then is it safe to assume the future is terrible? What sort of catastrophe unfolds in the days to come that prevents humanity from enjoying regular ice cream? Also, if it’s from the future, then who sent it back in time, AND TO WHAT END? Maybe if we all ignore Dippin’ Dots it will disappear like Marty almost did when he accidentally fell in love with his mom. It’s worth a shot.

 This phrase has had quite the journey. Whether it’s been said by douchebags, Steve Carell making fun of douchebags, douchebags not understanding that Steve Carell was making fun of them, and of course , annoying comedy nerds ironically saying it despite how much it annoys their equally annoying friends, we’ve all had our fun with it. But it’s time to let it go. No matter how long it might take or how hard it might be. It’s time to let Mr. Carell take back what rightfully belongs to him.

 Fun fact: Everyone using the train is equally impatient and most likely in a hurry, that’s just one of the many side effects of using public transportation. So while you may think trying to rush headfirst into a roiling sea of commuters makes you look like an important person with important business to be done, in reality, you look about as cool and collected as a bird flying into a freshly-cleaned office window.

 This entry falls into the expansive category of “not having anything original to say.” Our best advice in situations like this is to just not say anything at all. The fact that you’re letting something as universal as a unit of time dictate something as complex as your mood does not speak highly of your personality. On a related note, you should also refrain from saying that any day other than friday “totally feels like a friday.” Because that’s just hurtful.

 Chances are the, more you use the word swag, the less of it you actually have. This is especially true if you spend your time using it to describe things you see on the Internet. We’re not saying that there aren’t things out there in the world of popular culture which can be described as “swag.” We’re just saying that chances are good you don’t know what they are.

 Let’s set this straight. There’s a difference between reading and enjoying all the Harry Potter books and reading all the Harry Potter books then writing essay-length blog posts about the specific criteria that separate candidates for Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw. The former means you’re a fan of pop culture, the latter means you are a big, hopeless dork. Being a nerd isn’t cool, and trying to pretend you are to impress your friends (another thing nerds don’t have) makes you even less of one.

 There are fewer sure fire ways to determine whether or not your job is complete bullshit then by affixing a nonsensical term to the end of it. Calling yourself a guru because you “totally get social media” is like secret business code for letting people know not to hire you. Sure you may snag a couple confused older clients who don’t know what Facebook is, but they’ll be dead soon, along with all chances of you ever holding a regular job.

 Here’s a simple question: If you went to a comic convention and cosplayed as your favorite character from the hit anime _Titlady MagicSquad _(note: not a real anime…I don’t think), would you wear that costume out in public? Probably not. The point is, there is very little discrepancy between you wearing an over-sized mesh shirt with a man you’ve never met’s last name on it and dressing up as a cartoon character that doesn’t exist.

 How did this become a thing? At best, it comes off as an insincere attempt at both affection and regality—the mutual exclusion of these things being quite apparent in the whole I-want-to-kiss-you-but-more-than-that-I-want-you-to-stay-very-far-away aspect of it. At worst, it just makes you look like a jackass. Don’t be a jackass

 We’ll keep this one short-form: DON’T DO IT. It’s actually a well known fact that the majority of people who take improv classes only do it so that they’ll one day be able to improvise excuses for why they can’t attend their friends’ improv shows.

 Hats were created as a means to keep the sun out of your eyes. The brim of a hat, which is what shields your eyes from the glare of the sun, is located in the front. If your hat isn’t facing forwards, it isn’t keeping the sun out of your eyes. And if the brim of your hat spans the entire circumference, it shouldn’t be worn at all.

 Wearing non-prescription eyeglasses is like putting on socially acceptable blackface. The superficial IQ points that come with wearing glasses is all the visually challenged community has. It’s the only thing that makes being picked last for virtually every sports team and mistaking lone, balled-up pairs of slacks for peacefully sleeping dogs tolerable.

 There are over 6 billion people in the world and every single one of them has a birthday. Being born is just something that happens, whether you like or not. If you’re looking for a shared human experience to celebrate, try death—at least you have some control over that.

 Is a lie you tell yourself to justify buying that $250 record player. To be honest, people would be just as happy if you put on a 90’s Pandora playlist, because people are stupid, but not as stupid as owning a record player in 2011, that’s just straight up DUMB.

 The worst thing about this face is that people make it under the false understanding that it makes them look attractive and sexy. The truth of the matter is that it makes you look like you just made out with an oversized lemon. There are two reasons that this facial expression is known as “the duckface.” 1. It makes your mouth look like a duck bill. 2. It makes people want to shove bread in your face until you go away forever.

 You may think you’re being polite by leaving someone a message, but what you’re actually doing is wasting their time in the most meaningless way possible. Chances are if the person you called actually calls you back, you’ll just end up repeating everything you said in your voicemail. Next time just send a text, it’s like leaving a voice message, but without the ignorant assumption that the person you’re calling has time to spare and actually enjoys listening to the sound of your voice.