Part III
 
In this 3rd article in a 3-part series, from Dating Advice TV, on sex, courtship and dating, we look at what game theory, biology and interpersonal psychology tell us about the benefits and costs of waiting to jump in bed with a prospective dating partner. To recap Parts I and II, game theory studies[i] by two male mathematicians Seymour and Sozou on dating, courtship and sex – suggest some good advice for women would be not to jump in bed with a new dating partner until they have accumulated more data to determine if he is a worthwhile candidate for dating and mating (in their words, a “good” man). And that men that are willing to wait for sex are viewed as better prospects for becoming good fathers than those who don’t. Furthermore, that “good” men who do wait are seen as better caretakers in general and more in it for the long haul than so called “bad” men who just want to get laid.

While game theory is an exercise in mathematical probability and not as “real world” say as biology or psychology, its findings in the area of dating and sex are quite in line with those of biology and interpersonal psychology. First let’s look at the biological implications of having sex too soon. Having sex can drive up levels of the hormone oxytocin which in turn can create a strong attachment[ii].   Oxytocin has been called the cuddle, bonding, or tend-and-befriend hormone.  This means that your body may start the attachment process with almost anyone you bed, whether or not you want to be in a relationship with the person!  Throughout the whole sexual act you will experience increases in this hormone and your oxytocin levels stay high after you leave the scene (more for women than men).

And if you start falling for this new dating partner, you might also begin experiencing what Helen Fisher, the renowned anthropologist, calls the addiction of romantic love[iii].  Love addiction is like shooting up cocaine or heroin–which means reason often flies out the window.  When we “fall in love” our brains make large quantities of dopamine and norepinephrine, which also happens when you take speed!  These brain chemicals create the excited, exhilarated and focused state that allows us to have five-hour dating events and remember every detail about what our new hottie did and said.  These speed-like chemicals can also drive up our levels of testosterone, which increases sexual desire.  Second, when we fall in love, serotonin levels fall and resemble the levels found in people with obsessive-compulsive disorders[iv].  So we tend to ruminate, fantasize and obsess about our new (drug-like) dating partner.

As a clinical psychologist and trainer of singles and couples therapists for over 25 years I can tell you that for women, in particular, once this process takes over, they can become like craving coke addicts.  Even if they are bright, accomplished professionals! They lose touch with reality, seeing only the positives in the guy, ready to do outrageous things, sometimes self-destructive things, whatever it takes, to be with him. Even though they don’t really know him.

If you fall into this addictive dating pattern you are putting yourself at risk for an agonizing withdrawal if this is not the One and he rejects you.  If this occurs, sleeplessness, crying jags, over-or-under eating, obsessive and upsetting thoughts, all mess with your brain chemistry even further.   Add that chemical to any dopamine surges and you’re desperately waiting for his text, email or phone call.  Having sex too soon means you open yourself to premature infatuation, dependency and a kind of pseudo-intimacy that almost always backfires.  Then, caught in the chemical soup of dopamine and oxytocin, you will likely lose yourself.

上一页  [1] [2] [3] [4] 下一页