Mistake: Trying to win an argument

Don’t bother trying to bring someone around to your point of view by the force of an argument. People are not generally rational, and will not respond well to such logical, intellectual approaches. It might be possible to win an argument – if you have a superior ability to use logic or if you are more articulate or forceful in the way you express yourself, for example – but the other party will not thank you for beating them in such a way. In fact, winning an argument like this is more likely to make matters worse. Nobody wants to be beaten and to feel (intellectually) inferior.

Alternative approach: changing by example

When Khrushchev was making a speech denouncing the crimes of Stalin, a heckler shouted out ‘why didn’t you speak up when Stalin was still in power?’ Khrushchev shouted back at the crowd, ‘Who said that?’ Nobody replied, and so Khrushchev simply said, ‘Now you know why.’ A demonstration is much more effective than an argument. When dealing with a difficult person, don’t try to convince with argument – language are slippery and logic is malleable. Action will usually achieve far better results.

People used to say that there is more than one way to skin a rabbit. Being open minded, being flexible and not taking yourself and others too seriously are important attitudes in all areas of life, and no more so than when dealing with difficult people. A wise man once wrote, ‘Nothing is softer or more flexible than water, yet nothing can resist it’ (Lao Tzu).

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