nside right channel. He's not offside, though. He takes a heavy touch and nearly reaches the byline, but still mananges a shot on goal from a tight angle. James hacks clear with his shin. That's solid goalkeeping. The ball spins out for a corner from the left, Schweinsteiger swinging the set piece straight into the hands of James. England will be happy their keeper has his hands warm.

8 min: A fresh, open feel to the early exchanges in this game. Ozil has seen a fair bit of the ball. Milner and Barry have been working away down the right, too. Boateng deals with Milner easily enough, but it was a determined run by the Villa man. "I accidentally switched channels just in time to see the German flag, flanked by two British flags, and to listen to the german national anthem, as Sebastian Vettel wins the Valencia grand prix ahead of Button and Hamilton," reports Sean Carless. "A bit of a bad omen or what?" Depends who you're rooting for, I guess. We're a broad church here. Also if you believe in the ridiculous concept of omens, but let's not go there, I've not time.

11 min: Both teams are playing a lot of aimless long balls over the top, straight into the arms of James and Neuer. Like I can be bothered to describe those. "Should I ask this?" wonders Barbara Meinhoff. Why not, Barbara, why not. "How far in advance do TV channels prepare the montages that they play at Moments Of National Pain In Football Tournaments, ie montages of sobbing team members when they get knocked out? I'm thinking the one last time from ITV (over the cover of Hurt by Johnny Cash) was genuinely moving but looking at it now its shite. I reckon the BBC will go for Hoppippolla by Sigur Ros. Again." Probably. Imagination isn't BBC Sport's strong suit. Should it all go wrong, I can't see further than Dance of the Cuckoos, personally. But let's see how this pans out first.

14 min: Nothing much happening, really, other than a lot of committed running from both sides. England are seeing a wee bit more of the ball. Gerrard and Cole combine down the left, Cole nearly rushing free towards the box, but Lahm covers very quickly indeed, the danger snuffed out in 0.000000000000000089 seconds.

16 min: Lahm swings one in from the right towards Khedira's head. James plucks the cross from the air. He has looked very solid since coming in for Robert Green. "The announcer on Univision (the Spanish-language network in the U.S.) keeps referring to Rooney as 'astroboy'," reports Mike Murphy. "Why?" I have no idea. Because he has the same "compact" body shape as Grandstand's finest video game console, and makes similar grunts of displeasure when things go wrong? It's the best explination I can come up with at short notice.

18 min: Defoe twists and twiddles down the inside left channel. He's eventually felled 30 yards from goal by Schweinsteiger. The free kick will be in a dangerous position. Lampard takes it. There's a wall in front of him. Do I need to tell you how this pans out? Thought not.

20 mins: KLOSE'S NUMBER 12!!! Germany 1-0 England. Dear Lord. Neuer hoofs a long ball upfield, straight down the middle. Terry is off on holiday, Upson was standing wondering whether to go with him, maybe stow away in his suitcase, and so Klose simply romps down the middle, sliding in and poking a right-foot shot past the advancing James and into the bottom-right corner. That is as simple a goal that's been scored in the entire history of All Football. What a defensive shambles. The centre backs want shooting when they eventually come back from their break.

23 min: England look shocked. And no bloody wonder. Ozil and Podolski have taken turns to run straight at the England back line, understandably having concluded that the players in it might bugger off for a cigarette at any given moment. Cole and Johnson take turns to get tackles in.

25 min: Barry has a very decent swerving dig straight down the middle. Neuer shows good hands with Defoe and Rooney lurking.

26 min: Klose knocks last man Upson in the back, sending him spinning like a teenager full of Special Brew. He is all over the shop. This time he gets the decision - Klose was indeed acting the heavy goon - but the defender looks shellshocked, to continue the military metaphors of the day. "When a USA defender from a mediocre Ligue 1 side gives up a goal like that when he's tired in extra time, that's one thing," opines Darren Malloy. "For a Premier League defender to let that one in during the first half would be a shock, if that was not Klose and this was not England."

29 min: A long ball down the inside-left channel goes flying out of play for a goal kick, no red shirt within miles. This keeps happening. England are playing very badly; the only way is up. Though here's Scott W with some good news for Germany supporters: "England have never come back from behind versus Germany in Southern hemisphere when wearing red in an afternoon kick

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