Believe me, this is much easier read than done, so here are a few helpful tips:

1. Give the speaker your full attention.
Stop talking and remove all distractions. Turn off the TV, your phone, or computer. Watch your posture and body language. The way you look at the speaker, or the way you stand or sit, makes a huge difference. The right listening posture not only eliminates distractions and enhances our ability to concentrate, it communicates that we are listening openly and attentively, and puts the other person at ease.

2. Be patient.
Not everyone is a gifted (or even logical) speaker. Some people take longer to find the right word, to make a point or clarify an issue. Others are too fraught by emotion to get their message across properly. If necessary, ask the speaker to say more, give an example, or explain further. It will help him/her speak more precisely and it will help you hear and understand more accurately.

3. Keep your emotions in check.
If what someone is saying creates an emotional response in you, make an extra effort to listen carefully, with attention to the intent and full meaning of the words. When we’re angry, frightened or upset, we often miss critical parts of what is being said.

4. Hold your fire.
Don’t jump to conclusions, or launch immediately into an opinion, defense, criticism, or argument. A good listener doesn’t judge (or react) until comprehension is complete. If you respond in a way that makes the other person defensive, even if you “win” the argument, you may lose something far more valuable.

5. If you don’t understand, CLARIFY.
Don’t wait. Don’t ignore your potential misunderstanding and risk letting it grow into an even larger misunderstanding. Some people are afraid to ask questions because it might make them look stupid. But the truth is, it’s the NOT asking—and then taking the wrong action or reaction later—that makes people doubt our intelligence.

6. Even if you think you understand, VERIFY.
Never assume you got the message right (especially when you’re talking to someone of the opposite sex). Pause, think about what was said, and then get confirmation that your understanding is correct. Paraphrase the message, and ask “Is this what you meant?” or “Am I understanding this right?”

7. Empathize.
Take a moment to stand in the other person’s shoes, to look at the situation from his/her point of view … especially when you’re being told something personal or painful, or something you intensely disagree with.

Too often, we expect people to feel or to react to situations in a certain way because that’s how we would. But everyone is different. Effective listening helps us to realize that—and react to others’ needs in a more enlightened and appropriate manner.

Effective listening—taking time to listen and get a message right—is really all about empathy. The more shoes you are able to successfully stand in within your lifetime, the less mystifying you’ll find your life and relationships to be.

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