As it happens, his new girlfriend wasn't too keen on my homecoming. We had a quick drink and he dropped me back off at my motel where I scrounged up my change to buy some Whoppers from the vending machine for dinner. I settled in for the evening to watch "Three to Tango" on HBO.

"You had to watch a movie with a Friends' cast member," said my brother, nodding empathetically. "That's sad."

My brother and I met up at our old house, like homing pigeons. We walked down the street for some coffee and I 19)filled him in on my trip. He convinced me to stay my last night at his new place in San Bruno, just outside the city. I'll gladly pay $98 a night just for the privilege of not inconveniencing anyone, but he actually seemed to want me.

"I love having guests," he insisted. So I went.

It's surprising how late in life you still get that "I can't believe I'm a grown-up feeling," like when your big brother, the guy who used to force you to watch "Gomer Pyle" reruns, owns his own place. It was small and sparse and he had just moved in but it was his. The refrigerator had nothing but mustard, a few cheese slices and fourteen cans of Diet 7-Up.

We picked up some Taco Bell, rented a movie, popped some popcorn and I fell asleep on his couch.

Insomniacs rarely fall asleep on people's couches, I assure you. I don't know why I slept so well after agonizing all weekend over the question of home, if I had one anymore, where it was. I only know that curled up under an old sleeping bag, the sound of some second-rate guy movie playing in the background, my brother in a chair next to me, I felt safe and comfortable and maybe that's part of what home is.

But it's not the whole story. As much as I'd like to buy the cliches about home being where the heart is, or as Robert Frost put it, "The place where when you have to go there, they have to take you in," a part of me thinks the truth is somewhere between the loftiness of all those platitudes and the concreteness of that wooden door on 26th street.

I'll probably be casing that joint from time to time for the rest of my life. I'll sit outside, like a child watching someone take away a favorite toy, and silently scream, "MINE!"

人们都说你是再也回不了你的家了。

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